PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.