Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted