God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
this makes me so uncomfortable
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Sorry not sorry.