I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
iPhone X
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Who’s your best friend?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.