Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems