Actually cracking up @ this
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.