“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
New tinder profile pic
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Friday
#gardening
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*