My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office