My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
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It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I am a gravy boat captain
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.