HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
You Might Also Like
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
This sounds bad:
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My dating profile:
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.