Me too 😆
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”