Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back