[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
You Might Also Like
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: Excuse me鈥here’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let鈥檚 begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i鈥檓 so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans