Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
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A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
live long and prosper!
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”