The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.