Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer