[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.