No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Best spoiler warning ever
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Choose your fighter
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?