A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid