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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal