I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat