She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My typo game is string.