Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
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Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.