Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?