Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset