I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Message from the dog groomers
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious