I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.