I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
sliding into dms like
called in thicc to work this morning
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.