I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Seems legit
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.