Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.