Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.