TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
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me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude