“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
prepare for carbonated trouble
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I’m Sold!
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”