“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
selena gomez
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I feel it
reduce, reuse, recycle
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.