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If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane