Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
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me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
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ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure