Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”