People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
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Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.