Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.