(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I can also cook 😂
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…