‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
sin harder.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips