Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”