Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]