[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
i meant to share this earlier
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities