Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”