mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
A French press is when you hug naked
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care