plant them where lol
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.