“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
You Might Also Like
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.