guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*