my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment